Delete Duolingo. Thanks to the patriarchy, no matter what language you’re trying to learn, and regardless of where you are in the world, there is a man who will put you on the fast track to language proficiency.
Daily doses of listening to a man talk at you will help your delicate lady brain to better understand the sentence structure and grammar rules of a new language. He will most likely monologue for so long that you’ll even be able to get a grasp on irregular verb conjugation. Lucky you!
Thanks to thousands of years of socialization, it’s now easier than ever before to get your 10,000 hours in of mastering a new language.
Say Sayonara to Rosetta Stone, and instead, expand your vocabulary by using Uber. The best part about being a woman is that when you’re in a taxi, the driver will completely ignore the fact that you’re on your phone, as well as any other cues that indicate you’re not wanting to engage in conversation.
Don’t worry, he’ll talk at you anyway.
After all, being a man makes him more qualified than you are at knowing what you want.
He may use this as an opportunity to talk at you about sports. Or perhaps about his glory years. Or maybe he’ll complain about women. In which case, you can practice looking doey-eyed and agree. We really are the worst, aren’t we?
Wow, you were able to pick up so much derogatory slang that will sure come in handy next time you need to degrade women in this new language. Thanks Uber!
Wanting to practice past tense? Bid Au revoir to expensive tutors. Just sit alone in any park or beach or bus. Anywhere, really. Location is irrelevant.
What is relevant is that you identify as a woman.
Thanks to the patriarchy, a man will rush right over to rescue you from your boring thoughts of self-reflection and overrated me-time. After all, he knows you’d much rather listen to him tell you about himself.
He understands that being alone in public is really just a cry for attention.
Hang on tight to his every word. Not only is he saving you from, god forbid, moments of introspection, he also happens to speak your target language perfectly.
Compliment him on how well he speaks his native language. Tell him that he must be very smart indeed because you’ve been trying for months now and just can’t seem to wrap your pretty little lady noggin around it.
Ask him when to use the subjunctive. As long as you laugh and apologize every time you open your mouth, he’ll find your mistakes endearing.
But don’t worry, if you’ve been socialized as a woman, laughing and apologizing every time you open your mouth will come easy to you.
In fact, you probably already do it in your native language without even noticing. Good for you!
Looking to master listening comprehension? Forget flashcards, and just download a dating app instead. Everyone knows that first dates are really just two and a half hours of listening to men speak.
If you find yourself growing tired of all this foreign language exposure, just make sure to maintain eye contact and continue to nod along, touching the muscles on his upper arm when he’s clearly just told a joke.
This frees your fragile womanly intellect up to take a break, and daydream instead about all of the lingerie you’ll purchase at Victoria’s Secret, or think about all of the pillow fights you’ll have at sleepovers with your sensitive lady friends.
Or fantasize about, you know, living in a society that values women for more than just their fuckability.
It’s best to have a few key phrases memorized in case of a lull in conversation. With practice, you’ll be able to respond without even interrupting your stream of consciousness.
“Wow!” “Really?” and “That must have been so hard” (enunciating hard with a nymphish feminine breathiness), are always good bets.
He’ll interpret any delayed response as processing time that your tender womanhood needed in order to understand the depth of what he’s just said. For him, the possibility that you’re not glued to his every word doesn’t exist.
Try wondering what it feels like to speak with such blind confidence.
Don’t worry, you’ll never actually get there, but just imagining it is great cognitive exercise.
Not only are you getting invaluable exposure to the spoken language, but thanks to the patriarchy, he’ll probably even pay for your drink.
Now that’s worth raising a glass to! The patriarchy: language learning for the modern woman.
🤣👏💪
My thesis for my MA in linguistics was about “the gender stratification of the English language”, but hey, it’s everywhere! Men, and their innate ability to do everything so much better than us.