15 Gems I've learned from dating
Bryan: I learn that first kisses are anticlimactic, and that truth or dare in the back of the band bus doesn’t quite live up to my fifteen-and-a-half-year-old expectations.
Even though he doesn’t deserve it, I print Bryan’s picture out and tape it to the front of my journal. Because we are so obviously now true loves.
I run into Bryan 12 years later on Tinder and judging by his pictures, he’s turned into a cunt. I screenshot his entire profile and text it to everyone I’ve ever met.
Korin: The exponential growth that occurs in the months between first kiss and first blowjob is remarkable. I’m not usually an academic, but am I ever the sponge when it comes to the learning curve of human sexuality.
All things I probably should have gotten in a talk from my parents before they send their 16-year-old daughter on an exchange year to Italy.
Things they were hoping I’d glean from the book they give me about my changing body. A book I never get around to reading, as I’m more of a hands-on learner.
Mark: I learn about chafing, and that sneaking out at night to dry hump loses its thrill eventually.
I learn that men do not like titles, and prefer to avoid labels at all costs. At 17 this is priceless knowledge and fits nicely with my understanding of the opposite sex thus far. It hampers my expectations delightfully and sets me up nicely for success in all things dating, and life really.
Ash: I learn how to buy the day after pill at a pharmacy in Thailand. We are not having sex, but I really, really don’t want to have his child.
I learn that if I don’t want someone’s baby so badly that I’m taking the day after pill as a virgin, that’s probably a good indicator that it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Michael: I learn that losing your virginity is anticlimactic. Not that I was expecting rose petals and Whitney Houston, but I wasn’t quite planning to keep my turtleneck and socks on.
It’s a weekday and I’m on a short break between university lectures. I thought we might lie in bed cuddling afterwards, when he asks me if I’m going to be late to class.
In fear of possibly appearing vulnerable I jump up, throw my jeans back on, and head to the lecture.
This is the part where I learn to always pee after sex.
A critical lesson that comes from not peeing after sex as I spend the entire lecture acutely aware of a dripping sensation passing through the crotch of my jeans and out onto the leather bench beneath me.
I refuse to get up after class is finished for fear that my virginity has stained the lecture hall. I make the entire row clamber over me as I busy myself pretending to get something very important from my bag.
It’s a lesson I take to heart, and become religious about peeing after sex.
Literally can not remember his name for the life of me and the amount of effort it would take to figure it out is ridiculous: I learn not to chew ice on a first date. I learn this because my date tells me so. In my defense I wasn’t that into him anyway.
Scott #1: I learn not to eat Mexican street food when car camping with someone I want to maintain a sense of sex appeal.
Kyle: I learn that people you forgot you went to high school with can get way hotter when you match with them on Tinder nine years later. I learn the value of soft lighting, a pleasant temperature, and a fantastic playlist.
Scott #2: I learn about synesthesia and google the symptoms of alcoholism.
Shane: I learn about cryptocurrency and google the symptoms of being on the spectrum.
Seb: I learn about motocross and google the symptoms of narcissism.
Francisco: I learn that 8,000 times more intimidating than meeting the mother of the man you are dating, is meeting his child.
Anthony: I learn how to buy the day after pill at a pharmacy in very-Catholic Ecuador. It’s Semana Santa, holy week, and the woman behind the counter speaks to me in hushed voices.
I’m on birth control and we used condoms, but I really really don’t want to have his child.
I learn that the need to triple up on contraception might be a subtle hint to maybe, just like, not sleep with him.
Jose: I learn that if you have good enough posture, no one cares if you’re wearing socks with sandals in a restaurant where the waiters pull your chair out for you as you sit down. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.
Alan: I learn that you can just crack eggs right into the frying pan and scramble them with the spatula. My mind is blown.